How Do You Tell If Your Partner Is The One To Marry?

People say, “you just know” if someone’s right. You get that feeling.

Does that mean that if you don’t “just know” there’s something wrong or (s)he isn’t it?  

What if everything is comfortable and peaceful? What if sex is fun and fantastic but lacks the spark and excitement? (Here’s a hint: If it’s always exciting and explosive, you’re still in the honeymoon phase and don’t really know each other’s wounds yet)

I could also write a whole book about this and a few people have. One of my favorites is “Is He Mr. Right?: Everything You Need to Know Before You Commit” by Mira Kirshenbaum. 

The honeymoon phase is wonderful and when you’re flying high, you can feel confident and absolute about your choice. But, the wide range of hormones flooding your system might be clouding your ability to see if you have shared values, long-term goals, and if (s)he has the qualities, like empathy, to fight for a win/win instead of fighting with you when things get tough. These hormones, like Oxytocin, purposefully make you giddy, overly-trusting, and highly attracted – because the goal of these hormones is sex and reproduction, not a lasting, supportive relationship. 

Uncertainty is common when you’re forming a real relationship, and if you feel uncertain during the first few months of a relationship, that is an opportunity for you to pace the relationship more. If you’re the feminine-energy partner, allow him to pursue you and win you over or else date other people. If you’re the masculine-energy partner, let her receive your attention and energy and flow back with support and appreciation. 

In the book “Is He Mr. Right?: Everything You Need to Know Before You Commit,” Mira Kirshenbaum describes in detail her “5 Dimensions Of Chemistry:”

1. You feel comfortable with each other and it’s easy to be close.
   
2. You feel physically and emotionally safe being in a relationship with them. 
   
3. You feel it’s fun to be together.
   
4. You have real affection and passion for each other.
   
5. You feel there’s real mutual respect.
   

I help people clarify if these things are there, and I’ve also found there are other essential factors to compatibility, such as: 

• Do you have compatible religious/spiritual beliefs?
  
• Do you both want/not want to have children?
  
• Do you want to live and/or retire in the same location?
  
• Do you want the same lifestyle?
  
• Do you have compatible values?
  
• Does one of you have an addiction that could undermine your trust?
  
• Are your deal-breakers present?
  
• How do you both plan and organize your finances?
  
• Are you sexually compatible?
• Do you both know your attachment styles and childhood wounds and how to harmonize/heal them together?

Notice that sexual compatibility is last on the list. Once the honeymoon phase is over, passion is usually kept alive by the other factors of compatibility. (Remember, raging hormones aim for sex and reproduction, not lasting relationships)

It is only through pacing the relationship, vetting for mutually compatible romantic goals and timeframes, allowing tension and disagreement, and allowing one to pursue the other to receive and give back, that both of your hearts can open. Then, you can feel whether you have all these dimensions of chemistry and whether you are right for each other. 

That doesn’t mean you have to agree on everything or even like all aspects of your partner. You can disagree on some topics and still agree that you want to be together. You can and should have some different hobbies, interests, personality traits, and goals. You can still support each other, even if you don’t understand it, like it, or agree with it. 

But remember, some things are deal-breakers or will cause significant arguments. 

For example, if one person is a planner, they might take over the financial and logistic side of the business of marriage – paying the bills, scheduling the appointments, etc. This should always be a discussion and agreement between the couple and can be a source of comfort and support. But, if one person just takes over without discussing it, it can cause strife and it can be a deal-breaker waiting to happen. 

But, sometimes, things can’t be agreed upon. If one person wants a baby and the other doesn’t, that can be a huge deal-breaker.

By knowing yourself and the differences between most men and most women, we can create the right conditions for both of your hearts to open and tell if this person is right for you. If you create the right conditions, then you can “just know.” 

The person who is right for you can bring out the best in you and will have the compassion and sensitivity to your emotional triggers. (S)he can help you heal from them and be more whole. They might not be perfect, but you’ll feel they’re perfect for you. 

Just because you’re ‘in love’ doesn’t mean you’re right for each other. Many people feel guilty about ending a relationship because some things don’t line up. It could be a fun relationship for a while, but ultimately won’t be a lasting or supportive one. Once the honeymoon phase is over, the problems become bigger. 

If one of these aspects of chemistry isn’t there, you’ll know in your heart after going over the questions above that this person is not right for you. Sometimes it’s better to end a relationship when you are both on good terms than to create lasting resentment.

I can lead you through a process for how to end a relationship amicably because this is highly individual. There is no need to feel guilty ending a relationship that isn’t working, but there is a way to do it so that you both feel honored. And this will keep your heart open so that you can attract someone right for you. 

We can see the “just know” in a different light if you “just know” that your values match; that you have the same vision for the future; that you feel safe, have respect, and honor each other, and you “just know” all the little details about each other… because you already talked them over. I can help you feel into these aspects of compatibility during a coaching call if you want support in deciding which way to go. The decision of whom to spend the rest of your life with is not a light one, so it makes sense to take in all of the aspects of compatibility before deciding so your relation-ship can sail smoothly through the sea of life, leaving you feeling loved, fulfilled, and thrilled for the long term.