Is your guy acting distant? Touch him with what he craves to hear and he could be madly in love with you for life. These secrets are not about paying him lip service. They’re about authentic communication that tells him what research says he desires.
You see, we need to light up different parts of a man’s brain in order to reach a threshold where he feels 1. respected, 2. understood, and 3. appreciated.
Here’s what to say:
#1 “You’ve got this.”
Most men want us to step back and let them find their own way. The classic example is how men don’t like to ask for directions, even if it takes longer to get to the destination.
Masculine men thrive when they feel respected. This happens when they know you see them in their best light: capable and in control. Of course, to some degree, you appreciate respect too. Can you remember a time when this was true for you–when someone saw the best in you and your potential? You probably felt marvelously respected, and it’s hard not to love a person who loves and believes in us, right?
So the next time your man appears lost, you have a choice: tell him how to do it, or let him know you have faith in him.
This takes courage on your part to move beyond the times he might have disappointed you in the past. Unless he’s struggling with an addiction or mental illness–in which case he needs professional help–it’s easy enough to remember that the only way we learn is to make mistakes and do a little better each time.
Your patience and belief in him will mean the world to him. He needs to be told, “I know you can do it.” Your belief in him will help him learn from his mistakes and think about how to do it better this time because he feels respected and trusted by you. This gives him tons of motivation to make you happy and proud when he succeeds. When you can allow yourself to have more faith in his abilities, he’ll open his heart to you.
#2 “I know you had good intentions for doing that.”
Usually when we’re frustrated with our guy, it’s because we think our partner doesn’t care or was trying to hurt us. When we’re upset, our emotions can get the best of us and blow things out of proportion.
Here’s a loving reality check: a guy who’s trying to love you is not trying to undermine you. Most people want to do right by people. After all (like in #1 above) they feel capable and confident about themselves for it.
This is a mental shift we need to create for ourselves first before we tell a guy what he needs to hear to love us. We shift our focus to uncovering what good intention he must have had. And this really builds upon #1, respectfully having faith in him, because it means we’re loving him enough, again, to see the best in him and his intentions.
When your man is clumsy with doing right by you, consider how his intentions were good, although his execution was sloppy.
You can say something like, “I know you’re sensible and caring. And at the same time, right now, I feel hurt. So I must have misinterpreted something. Can you help me see what you needed or intended?” And really listen until you understand what the positive need or intention was underneath. I guarantee that if you look and listen deep enough, it’s in there. And if you can’t find it, this is an excellent question to bring to a coaching call. I’m good at figuring out the positive reason why men do things. 😉
#3: “Thank you for doing that. I feel how you care.”
Masculine men value being providers. That doesn’t just mean that he wants to provide for his family financially. It gives him a huge amount of joy and pleasure to be the one providing for the people he loves, especially his woman.
If he takes you out on a date, he takes emotional responsibility for the whole experience. If you like the atmosphere at the venue, he feels good about himself and that he knew to bring you there. If he takes you to a concert and you like the music, he feels as if he were playing in the band. When you appreciate what he provides you’re complimenting him and he feels inspired to do more for you.
What makes this work is again the powerful shift that has to happen in you first. Even if you’ve been stressed out, frustrated, or cynical, make it a point to start fresh and try on the magic of appreciating him anyway. Put the positive energy out there and let it blossom into your love story.
The best appreciations aren’t just about something he did. A good appreciation has 3 elements:
1) Something specific that he did
2) A positive character trait about him
3) What it provided for you, especially your positive feelings.
For example, instead of saying, “Thanks for making dinner,” you can say, “Thanks for making dinner tonight. I know how busy you’ve been and it shows how much you value taking care of me. I feel so supported and cared about when you cook for me.” Can you see how that’s so much more meaningful than saying, “Thanks for making dinner?”
Of course, these have to be genuine in order to inspire his love. If you’re saying these things to manipulate him, he’ll feel it and it’ll backfire. If you want to “make” him love you, the best remedy for that is to put the focus back on yourself. Ask yourself, “what would I be feeling if he loved me more deeply?” Perhaps you’d feel happy, blissful, adored, or secure.
The best way to inspire a man’s (or anyone’s) love is to focus on stopping trying to “get” him to do or feel things, and instead, focus on other ways you can feel these feelings: through self-care, self-love, and nurturing your relationships with friends and family.
Overall, as we recap these three important ways to send love signals straight to your man’s heart, imagine these three areas, 1. Respect, 2. Understanding, and 3. Appreciation as three essential vitamins. You don’t want your man to be deficient in any of these for long, and now you’re well on your way to having a thriving relationship.
As explained in my book The Commitment Roadmap, These are some of the most potent nutrients that he can convert into powerful, enduring love for you. In fact, The Commitment Roadmap demonstrates four more that are vital for a complete love life.
Do you want to attract or re-ignite lasting love? I offer a free 90-minute Relationship Breakthrough session to anyone who is considering investing in coaching. To apply for a FREE strategy session with me click here.