Relationship Coach Valerie Greene

Attract, re-ignite, and sustain lasting love!

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He Said He Doesn’t Like Me!

Recently my partner said, “I don’t like you right now. You’re a burden on me…” Ouch!

Of course there was a voice in my head saying, “That jerk…how can he be so mean?!”

In the past I would have spoken my mind, and then we would have argued for days. This time, I calmed my mind and listened to my heart instead.

Does your partner or someone else in your life criticize you? How do you respond? Do you defend yourself? Do you apologize? Do you internalize it and get hard on yourself?

I used to do all these things until I learned how to listen for the needs and desires underneath criticism. Easier said than done! But there are simple, learnable steps that I’ll share here.

Here’s how I turned the conversation around and inspired his love for me on a deeper level than ever:

1) I gave him my full attention, looked him in the eyes, gave him soothing touch, and repeated back to him what I heard him say. 

This was hard but when I said “I hear that you don’t like me right now… and I can hear that. Tell me more…”
He calmed down and said, “Well, only part of me feels that way. I love you, but I’m upset about xyz.” And then we got to the real issue. If I had resisted him saying he didn’t like me, or argued back, we wouldn’t have gotten to the issue underneath.
2) I validated his point of view, even if I didn’t agree.
I said “That makes sense to me, given how you see it.”
I knew that once he was feeling validated, he could listen to what I needed soon after.
Most people respond to criticism by defending themselves, or saying “Well I feel burdened by you sometimes too.” Then they go back and forth, with no one feeling validated. I knew that if I fully listened to all of his thoughts and feelings, then he would be able to listen to me afterwards. 
3) I asked clarifying questions, like, “In what ways have I been a burden? What would make you feel better about this?”
That got him into solution mode and we could talk about how I could give him what he needed, in a way that worked for me.
When he felt heard and validated, his heart opened again and he told me that he felt seen, understood, and supported. Then he could give me comforting and reassurance.
4) Once his heart was open again, I asked him to listen to me in the same way. 
It took patience for me to wait to speak my point of view until he felt resolved, but it was well worth it. I got to share how my feelings were hurt and I felt blamed, and I needed him to reassure me that he is here to provide for me in a way that works for him.

He gave me the same listening, validation, and reassurance that I gave him, and we were able to create solutions together.

Because I fully listened to him first, he was able to fully be present for me and give me all the love, affection, and reassurance that I needed.

He then said “Wow I love you now deeper than ever because you listened to me and can accept all of me. I’m even more excited to create a future with you now!”

Which of these 4 steps is easy for you?

Which seems challenging?

I’d love to hear your questions and comments below 🙂

If you want support with putting these skills into practice, I invite you to apply for a free 1 on 1 Free Breakthrough to Lasting Love Session with me, where we uncover your unique challenges and create a customized plan to attract or re-ignite love, intimacy, and passion in your love life!

With Love
Valerie