Do you keep attracting the same type of partner again and again with a different body? Or do you notice that you’re falling out of love with the person you’re with?
One principle I’d like to introduce you to is: what you appreciate appreciates. If you focus on the “negative” qualities, you’ll get more of those. Why is that? Because our brain is designed to find what we’re looking for.
Have you ever had something on your mind (I want new red shoes) and then everywhere you look, you see red shoes? Because your brain is primed to see them.
Every time we start looking for the good, positive qualities in a person, we can find them. The same thing is true when we look for the bad qualities – we’ll find them just as much.
If you’re single and you keep attracting the same partner again and again, you’re probably following chemistry and not stopping to ask your rational mind: does he have my top must-have qualities? (things like emotional availability, not just how they look)
Identifying positive qualities in the people you know will help to draw them out. And identifying whether a potential partner has these qualities will help you to say “no” to a partner who doesn’t possess these qualities before you fall for them.
That’s why we focus on looking for the good ones. When we open ourselves up to receiving what’s good in our partners and the world, to seek out the positive qualities, that’s what we’re going to get more of.
To discover what we want, it can help us discover first what we don’t want. And to do that, let’s take an example of feeling someone rushing us.
If we have a terrible experience with someone who constantly rushed us, we’re going to want somebody who takes their time. The positive quality is patience.
We will never be happy with somebody who continuously rushes us if one of our needs is patience.
What Are Positive Qualities
Identifying positive qualities can be a little bit more challenging than you might think.
First, let’s take a look at the “Nots.” Framing something negatively does not equal a positive quality, and we’re looking for positive qualities.
Let’s look at the example of not rushing. If you’re looking for somebody not rushing, you’re going to see people who rush first. Only after will you see the people not rushing. You have to find someone doing it before you can negate it.
But if you flip that around to people who take their time or have patience, you will certainly find those people first.
Secondly, there’s a big difference between qualities and skills. Quality is something you possess internally that dictates your behavior. What you do is the behavior.
In our example, it looks identical for people to take their time and have patience. But people who take their time may have a rushed mindset and are deliberately taking action against it. People who have the quality of patience can wait without the internal struggle.
You can check out a list of qualities here.
What Positive Qualities Do You Want In A Partner?
Sometimes, it’s easier looking outside yourself for what you want rather than looking inside, so we’re going to start with what kind of qualities you want in a partner. Go ahead and write down your ideas for everything you want to see, feel, and experience from your partner.
Make this list as long as you want, identifying every single little thing you can think of. It’s okay at this point if it’s positive or negative, an action or equality. We’re going to refine it in a bit.
When you are done, look at your list. Go back through and find all of your “Nots.” Take a look at them and flip them to the positive side. Did you mention something like ‘not rude’? Flip that to ‘polite.’ Doesn’t interrupt? Waits for me to speak. Do you get the idea?
Now take a look at your list again for actions. This might be a little bit more challenging. Take a look at the list above and start matching up the habits and actions with the quality it represents. It might take you a little bit of time to do it, but it will be worth it.
Once you finish those steps, put your list away for the night. This gives your mind a little bit of time to think about what you just put together and the next day, pull it back out. You’re taking this time to really reflect and let your subconscious figure out what you truly want.
If you’re in a relationship, then ask yourself: how can I appreciate my partner when they demonstrate these qualities? Remember, what you appreciate appreciates. If you look for these qualities, you’ll find them and draw them out of the other person.
If you’re single, then I’d like you to go through that list and choose the top five qualities that you must have in a partner. These are non-negotiable qualities, that if a person does not have these particular qualities, you’re not going to waste your time thinking of them as an active romantic partner. They can be a good friend, but they won’t fulfill you as a partner.
You can also take some time and look at what’s negotiable. Are there traits that you would like to see but really aren’t that important? Mark those down, too.
Then when you’re dating and you start to get swept up in chemistry, you can ask yourself, “Does he have these qualities?” If not, then the longer you stay in this relationship, the more unfulfilled you’ll be. If you end a budding relationship with someone who isn’t right for you now, then you’ll open up your time to meet someone who is right for you.
Identifying Your Own Positive Qualities
This can be incredibly hard because most of us have difficulty being kind to ourselves.
I still recommend you go to the steps above and identify your qualities. And, also ask your family and friends if they would do the same thing for you. They might give you an extensive list of “Nots” and actions, but you already have practice translating those into good qualities.
If you get a couple of people to do this for you, you’ll start to notice a pattern.
The big question is if that is a pattern you like? What qualities do you have that you are proud of? What qualities do you have that you’re not proud of? What ones do you wish were on the list?
For example, some of the men I work with identify their qualities as industrious and straightforward. However, many of the same actions they see as positive get experienced by other people as demanding and belittling.
Having somebody view your actions from the outside can give you a lot of insight.
As you move forward through your journey, you might need some help. This is where I can help you identify your qualities and especially what you want in a partner. I recommend applying for a Free Breakthrough Session, and we can sit down and co-create your vision and plan to attract and sustain lasting love.