Think your marriage or relationship may be in trouble?
Then it probably is…..
Just like with physical health, a relationship needs daily attention to stay healthy.
In this article and video, I’ll share 3 DEADLY mistakes many couples make, and what to do instead to create love and intimacy again.
Mistake #1: Sweeping Conflict Under The Rug
Think conflict will just go away if you ignore it? Think again…
Let me tell you about a couple who came to see me for coaching.
Paul and Stacey both worked long hours, and spent their downtime separately. And although they were cordial, they started to feel like roommates, drifting further and further apart.
But they didn’t share their feelings; they pretended everything was fine, while under the surface they felt lonely and resentful.
You know, when you sweep conflict under the rug, it’s like burying a ticking time bomb. And it tick, tick, tick builds up pressure, until one day, when you’re ticked off…
So one day, he asked her to do one small errand, and she blew up at him, saying “How dare you ask me to do one more thing so you can just go watch TV, when you don’t lift a finger around here!”
And they hurled insults at each other until the time bomb blew up! And he slept on the couch for a few days….
….And then they had hot make up sex.
She told me, “I think the solution is to fight more often. Then at least we’re real with each other!”
I see this situation a lot, and unfortunately the fights get more hurtful over time and the marriage slowly dies in the process.
There are other ways to create passion!
So the solution is to share your feelings before they turn into big arguments. I share how to do that in my free video “3 Steps to Stop Fighting and Start Connecting,” which you can get by entering your email to the upper right of this blog post 🙂
BUT when most couples try to share their feelings, they make the second DEADLY mistake:
Mistake #2: Blaming your partner for the problem
I know your partner IS wrong sometimes. I know things would be better if THEY changed their negative behavior, wouldn’t they? The question is WHAT motivates people to change?
When you criticize your partner for their behavior, even if it IS causing a problem, how do you think it affects them?
Think about it. How do you feel when they criticize you?
How does it feel to receive a blow like, “You never clean up after yourself! What’s wrong with you?”
They probably feel attacked and controlled, and then you’ll wonder why they’re criticizing you or ignoring you later.
Even if you blame them in a “nicer” way, this doesn’t motivate people to change. People may be motivated by rules and punishment in the short term, but it costs you love and connection.
What would motivate your spouse to change is the same thing that motivated them to do ALL of those wonderful things they did for you when you were falling in love!
Remember when you were deeply in love and it naturally makes you feel good to do things that make them feel good?
You can get that feeling back, and I talk more about how to do that later on in this article.
Mistake #3: Trying to Win an Argument
Even if you’re not blaming, you’ve most likely tried to prove you’re right when you’re in an argument, haven’t you? Its human nature; it just feels bad to be wrong, right? 😉
And that’s just the point: (And I had to learn this one the hard way….) Let’s say you win, and you partner feels wrong. I guarantee that’s not going to lead to a fun, sexy night later on!
You know that feeling when you’re both so in sync, basking in the enjoyment of each other’s company?
You’re giving that up if you try to win. Then you’re both left feeling hurt and disconnected.
There are always two sides and two points of view. What you want is to create a win/win solution that gets both of your needs met. Then you’re both on the same team.
…..So how do you do that?
3 Tips to get your marriage back on track
1) Share your feelings and needs, and make time to talk about them.
To learn how to share your feelings in a way that connects you, where feel HEARD, and create those win/win solutions as a team, watch my Video: “3 steps to stop fighting and start connecting!”
For example, you can say, “Honey, when you leave dishes in the sink, I feel stressed out, cause I’m already busy… when what I want is to trust you and relax more. How can WE solve this together? What kind of support do you need from me to remember to do it?
I share how to get in touch with your deeper feelings and needs in my “Stop Fighting” video, when you enter your name and email to the upper right of this post.
2) Appreciate your partner whenever they do something right!
People are much more motivated by positive reinforcement than by criticism. Actively find things to appreciate them about every day! It’ll make a hug difference in your feeling of connection.
3) Connect about non-logistical things EVERY day.
There are MANY ways to create positive experiences…these make you feel like you’re on the same TEAM again, and then you want to do things for each other, not out of obligation, but out of love.
Some suggestions are:
• Spend 5 minutes giving/receiving affectionate touch, like a foot rub or a caress on the face.
• Create ways to connect before you leave/when you come home, even if it’s just sharing what you’re looking forward to, or what you enjoyed about your day.
Sure, learning these skills and habits takes work, but once they become a habit, your relationship can sail smoothly and bless everything else in your life.
Because you know that when you’re in love, you feel healthier, happier, and more productive, do you not?
And when your marriage is suffering, you know it doesn’t matter how good the rest of your life is; because you feel frustrated, lonely, and unfulfilled.
But if you’d like to feel more in love, watch my video on how to stop fighting and start connecting, and sign up for my email tips to help you keep your marriage healthy so you can enjoy a long life of happiness together.
And I’d love your feedback! Try out these tips and share how they work for you in the comments below ☺