It’s 6PM. Lucy walks into her home from a busy day kicking ass and taking numbers at work to discover a pile of dirty socks on the floor. Her eyes lift but only to discover the bare feet of her dear husband passed out on the couch after a long day of something–well, let’s put it this way, certainly not being Super Woman.
Lucy, a manager from boardroom to living room, launches, “Hi Stan. How was your day? I see–did you forget to order dinner on your way home? I told you I would be coming home after you. I’m starving! I can’t believe you!”
After more conversation, she tries to explain where she’s coming from, but all she’s getting is shut down. Stan dismisses her, hurling, “You’re too emotional! Calm down. Stop telling me what to do!”
She feels defeated, when all she’s trying to do is make the relationship better. Lucy’s missing something big time. She needs a secret weapon–one that, ironically, will disarm her mate and make his heart melt for her all over again.
But Lucy isn’t alone, because scores of powerful, educated women worldwide are battling an epidemic: they are failing at love. They attract unsupportive partners, or the passion fizzles out in long-term relationships.
It makes sense that we women feel frustrated and disregarded. The irony is that it seems like men’s behavior is the problem, but years of working with women in relationships has proven that men are simply matching and responding to how well a woman is connecting with them.
So what is this mistake?
Women are approaching their relationship the same way they approach their career success, which kills his romantic feelings.
What’s required for romance and passion is that one partner is in their masculine energy and the other is in their feminine energy.
Masculine and feminine energy isn’t about gender or sexual orientation. Both men and women have both masculine and feminine energies. You can choose to be in your masculine OR feminine as you go through your day, but to create passion and attraction in a romantic relationship, one partner chooses to be in the masculine and the other partner chooses to be in their feminine, and then you have passion.
Masculine energy is:
- Strategizing logistics, making decisions, and doing
- Analyzing and solving problems
Feminine energy is:
- Feeling, receiving
- Intuiting, just being, following
- The spiritual practice of surrender and collaboration
Think waltzing across the ballroom with your partner He leads and you follow, but you also influence. He chooses the direction based on how you’re expressing yourself, so you both feel good.
If you’re with a masculine-energy man and he wants to make the plans, you can follow by collaborating. Respect his thought-out decisions when it feels good for you, knowing he wants you to benefit from the ease and comfort they provide. And lovingly express your desires when it doesn’t feel good, so you co-create together.
You are both equal; you’re just choosing to embody different ways of being.
There are some men and women who want to be in the opposite dynamic, where he is more feminine and she is more masculine and it works. Even same sex couples usually have a more feminine energy partner and a more masculine energy partner. There is no right or wrong.
Ask yourself: How do you see yourself in your ideal relationship? Are you in action, planning things? Do you want to be in control, make the decisions, be respected and appreciated for all that you do, and cherish your man’s feelings and intuition? Or do you want to surrender to romance, allowing your man to treasure your feelings; letting yourself receive fun and pleasure, nurturing your home environment, taking time for self-care, allowing your man to create the structure? Take some time to think about what it is you truly want from a relationship.
So you might be asking yourself, “Are you saying that a woman can’t be a go getter and be ambitious and have success in a relationship?”
Of course she can! She can use her masculine energy at work; we all need to be more in our masculine energy to make things happen in business. She just needs to cultivate different qualities at home in her romantic relationship than when she’s at work, if she’s with a masculine man. She needs to change hats in her romantic life, to inspire passion.
Feminine energy is about collaboration. Its not about sacrificing what we want and doing what he wants. Its about learning to express what we want in a way that’s collaborative.
Whomever is the feminine energy person in the relationship, which can be either the man or the woman, can share their desires, wants, preferences, feelings, and boundaries, just not in a way that’s controlling; that’s open to creating the solution together, instead of telling him what to do, or complaining about what he’s not doing.
We women make the mistake of trying to connect with a man through his mind, instead of connecting with his heart. A man can’t connect to us when we’re in our heads. We have to drop down into our hearts and bodies, and then he’ll drop down into his own heart, where we two become one.
When we can express our feelings, emotions, and sensuality in an inspiring way, instead of a demanding way, he feels compelled to please us, and take actions that make us feel good.
But what happens if we try to plan, strategize, and tell our man what to do?
Men really do want to please us, so he may not leave, but he’ll lose his attraction, feeling mothered and resentful. This snowballs into how he stops doing things for us women, and then we feel like we have to do everything!
Does this sound familiar to any of you? Do you find yourself doing all the chores, picking up after him, making plans, or generally acting like Super Woman because you fear that if you stop then nothing will get done? If so, you’re in your masculine energy, and over-functioning.
If you like being with a masculine-energy man, you need to learn how to express your feminine heart energy. How I teach women to embody your feminine energy involves:
- Discovering how to embody and express your own unique expression of radiance, no matter how you look, so you can mesmerize him with your inner beauty
- Awakening your body to an experience of ecstatic aliveness, so you can find pleasure in the simple, mundane moments of your life, which inspires his devotion to your pleasure
- Honoring and really being comfortable feeling your feelings
- Letting him into the depth of your emotions without making him wrong; letting him be deeply touched and moved by the beauty of your inner being
- Learning how to fully receive all that he is already giving, so you can inspire him to fulfill your deepest desires.
In our culture, most women have forgotten how to simply just be, and really deeply cherish our own experience, without having to change it. Just being is attracting rather than pursuing, intuiting rather than thinking. Not trying to please others, not trying to control or manage situations, accepting and loving everything that is-including our desire to change it, and allowing ourselves to be guided to co-create instead of control situations.
When you really learn to embody your feminine energy, you simply attract what you need from your man; affection, fun, great sex, romance, excitement, mutual support, harmony, emotional Safety, a way to make decisions as a team– and a real soul-mate connection with your man. Because it is your embodiment of all these qualities that make up the feminine that naturally and effortlessly attract the masculine.
This is not about finding more clever ways to get him to do what you want him to do. It’s not about tricks (again, those are all head games)– it’s about creating a true, loving partnership–from your heart.
The woman’s power comes from guiding the man into his heart. She does this by connecting to it first. Just as he leads in dance, she leads in diving into the heart space. She makes it OK to be sensual. She is strong and confident in being emotionally available.
Ladies, if you’re looking for a way to feel powerful and assertive, it’s not by berating and demanding, it’s about being a leader in emotional heart-centered connection.
Remember Lucy? She was doing nearly all the chores, cooking, and caring for kids, while both she and her husband worked. She felt he wouldn’t lift a finger unless she told him what to do. Sound familiar?
When I shared with her the loving strategy of doing less and watch how your guy steps up to the plate, she was skeptical at first. So I spilled another secret: stop relating to him in a way that even implied that he was doing it wrong. (A challenge, I know!)
So I taught her to feel her more vulnerable feelings: sadness, loneliness, longing, and to start connecting to her needs for partnership, support, and self care. She stopped doing everything and started nurturing herself, started getting nurturing from other women in her life, STOPPED resenting her husband, appreciated him for everything he DID do.
She was shocked when he started stepping up more and listening to her feelings once he didn’t feel made wrong for them, and then they had conversations about how they could delegate and take care of the work together. It didn’t happen over night, but once she started relating to her emotions differently, the relationship transformed. You can be sure she feels cherished and adored again, and I assure you their romance is alive once again.
If you want to learn to inspire your man to step up and fulfill your deepest desires, then I’ve created a new online video group coaching program called “Mani-fest Lasting Love”
In the Man-ifest Love Group Coaching Program, we’ll meet once/week over video, with a supportive community of up to 10 women, where you’ll both receive laser coaching from me, and also learn from other women’s experiences.
• If you’re single, discover how to attract a man who you connect with on a Soul level who is ready to create an inspiring partnership with you!I created an info page that explains all about the Man-ifest Lasting Love Group Coaching Program and you can visit it here.www.coachvaleriegreene.com/
This is a small group of only 10 women, and space is filling up! So if you’re interested, visit the page and apply now so you don’t miss this opportunity for exceptional support in experiencing lasting love!