What if I make more than he does?

From time to time I get questions from readers, and I’m happy to answer them to the benefit of my community. Do you have a question you’d like me to answer? Reply to this email and ask away 🙂

One reader wrote: “How do I deal with it when I make more than my husband?”

My question is, “How does that interfere with your relationship?” There could be several issues with it, and I’ll cover 2 of them.

Issue #1: He feels “less than.”

The main problem that many successful and powerful women have isn’t that they are intimidating, but that they portray the idea that they don’t need a man. They do everything themselves, and then he feels like he’s not able to provide.

So it’s ok that you’re providing more financially, but what else do you allow him to provide by you being receptive and appreciating what he does contribute? Does he do work around the house? Does he solve problems? Is he a great Dad? Does he plan romantic things for you to do together?

A good appreciation has 3 elements:

1) Something specific that he did
2) A positive character trait about him
3) What it provided for you, especially your positive feelings

For example, instead of saying, “Thanks for making dinner,” you can say, “Thanks for making dinner tonight. I know how busy you’ve been and it shows how much you value taking care of me. I feel so supported and cared about when I come home to a home cooked meal.” Can you see how that’s so much more meaningful than saying, “Thanks for making dinner?”

And then there’s the question of you being vulnerable. This doesn’t mean you’re needy; it means you allow him to feel your softer side. Do you allow him to see you when you’re sad, or scared, and to comfort and protect you? This will also shift the dynamic.

It’s important to work out a financial plan as a team (or at least agree as a team, if one person is managing finances). This is also something I support couples with.

How do you want to feel with him? What would having that be like for you?

I’d love to help you get to the bottom of this dynamic and shift it. Can you see the possibility of you making more and him still feeling like a powerful provider? I encourage you to schedule a free Relationship Breakthrough Session so we can help you experience that shift and create a plan for it to work.