Hope you are having a fun filled start to your holiday season!
Unfortunately the holiday season, with its busy-ness and added stress, causes most couples to argue more than usual.
What do you tend to fight about during the holidays? It could be a discrepancy around how much you each want to (not) spend on gifts, seeing the dreaded In-Laws, or disagreements about how much to decorate.
Leave a comment with what conflicts you get into around the holidays, and I can answer them in future blogs and my weekly Facebook Live video, for free!
Last year I worked with a couple who was arguing over the holiday budget. He thought it’s ok to put some things on credit cards, and she vehemently opposed credit card debt. They argued back and forth until I helped them dig deeper for a real solution.
I had them really listen to each other’s deeper point of view on what their position meant to them.
Today I want to give you an exercise if this is a situation you ever get into–and if not, just apply these towards any situation where you might have a conflict in how you and your partner like to handle things.
Step 1. Here are some questions you can ask each other to dig deeper and have compassion for each other’s point of view:
- What’s important to you about your point of view?
- What are your core beliefs or ethics behind your point of view?
- Is there a story behind this for you, or does this relate to your history in some way?
- Is there a fear that comes up for you, in not having this desire honored?
- What other ways can you get this desire met?
- What would be your ideal solution here?
Step 2. When you ask these questions, you’re the listener here, so validate the other person’s point of view.
You don’t have to agree with all of it, but tell the other person what makes sense about what they shared. For example, you might say, “I see how giving to the whole family makes you feel important and generous. You want to be able to participate in the family bonding experience and see the children’s faces light up when they get what they wanted. That makes sense to me.”
Through this process they learned more about each other’s past and felt closer to each other. They have a big extended family with nieces and nephews and since the rest of the family was giving gifts, he wanted to have a family bonding experience. This was a part of his family culture.
For her, her parents were always in debt and fear of losing their house and possessions, and she had a strong boundary around debt. Now, doesn’t that, too, make sense? When I helped coach them through a priceless process that I teach called SOLUTIONIZING: How exactly to find the win-win, she realized that she WAS willing to put less money in her retirement account that year, an idea that she only became aware of when we went through the win/win solutions exercise.
So like my facebook page, Coach Valerie Greene: Deepen Your Love Relationships to get notifications, and comment about what kind of conflict you get into around the holidays, and GUESS WHAT?! I’ll give you on-the-spot coaching in the video this week!
Here’s the Video: