I hear from so many of my clients who are in a relationship with an avoidant attachment partner: should I stay or leave? Is he incapable of meeting my needs and can he change?
He can change, but you have to understand where he’s at first. His main needs are different than yours and you have to see his needs and where he’s coming from in order to model for him the validity of even having needs; that it’s safe to connect with you. This takes time and patience and it is totally possible.
Many of the books on attachment are geared towards helping you see who is an avoidant so you can avoid getting into a relationship with that kind of person. But you can’t control who you fall in love with. Sometimes avoidants do heavily pursue you in the beginning and you only see their true colors after 6 months when the infatuation wears off…but by then you’re hooked. In that case, I do recommend that you use the relationship to evolve and grow.
I’ve helped many women and couples with avoidant attachment feel emotionally connected again. The secret to helping avoidants evolve into a more secure style is to teach secure functioning by example. You have to evolve your own attachment style and then model secure attachment for them.
Helena Hart recently interviewed me about how to inspire a man with an avoidant attachment style to meet your needs.
In this video, you’ll learn:
-What does it mean for a man to have an avoidant attachment style?
-How do you recognize the “distancing strategies” they use and how do you respond to them to inspire more closeness
-5 Specific strategies to inspire an avoidant man to meet your needs so you can be happy together
You can watch the video here:
I’d love to hear your comments to this video! Let me know how it helped you and what questions you still have.