I have exciting news for you! I’ll now be hosting a FB live video Q&A most Thursday evenings so you can get all of your relationship questions answered! Make sure to like my Facebook page to receive notifications on when I’m hosting these live events.
I know if you are in the US a lot of the focus is on the election, so I invite you to take a break from it all and empower yourself to have more of what you want in you relationship!
Let’s bring our focus back to creating harmony at home, creating a culture where we can support each other in creating what we want, one household at a time.
During the last teleclass I hosted, one woman asked, “My husband and I have a recurring fight that he never takes trash out, and I’ve tried reminding him every which way, and he still doesn’t do it. What can I do?”
Can you relate? How many times have you tried to make a request to your man and he tells you to stop nagging him?
This is a very common experience and I am here to tell you … it is not your fault! Many women experience that their partner doesn’t help out enough around the house, such as taking the trash out.
Even though you may have tried many ways to approach this, he’s probably still feeling blamed that he’s not doing it, which makes him shut down around it. So this is a matter of perception.
In my coaching system, I teach a 5 step process to ask for what you want in a way that inspires him and shifts that perception he has that you are nagging him.
This week I invite you dig into this with me and explore this more so that you can have more joy, peace and fulfillment in your relationship.
Here are the first two steps in the process inspiring him to give you want you want.
1) Say what this request would provide for you. This is the magic ingredient that allows him to tap into his nature as a provider, so that he can feel what it does for you, and be inspired to do it!
I know that sounds silly because he should KNOW what it provides, but I guarantee he doesn’t feel the depth of what it provides for you if he’s not doing it. Something like experiencing partnership and support, and what these things mean to you on a deep level.
Most men are providers. So if you ask for what you want without saying what it provides, he hears it as controlling. If you ask him to make the bed, for example, you have to understand that it’s more efficient not to make the bed so why are you nagging him to make it? He’ll think you’re trying to control him.
So by saying what it provides for you, you let him feel the happiness you’re feeling when it gets done, and he gets to take credit for making you happy, making you feel good, and he feels such a tremendous feeling of accomplishment from you feeling good.
For example, “when I have to take the trash out myself, I feel gross and unsupported. When you do it, I feel that I have a teammate who does the one thing that I hate doing, so I feel really taken care of.”
Remember that we all want to feel good. If he really gets how good you’ll feel to be supported in this way, that’s way more inspiring than being told what to do, isn’t it?
2) Ask “What do you need in order to give this to me?”
This is where we have to suspend judgment (like if your man says “I need you to remind me” (because remember men have single focus) and you think he should just see that it needs to be done; this is expecting him to think like a woman.
Be willing to see it from his point of view and remind him nicely, if that‘s what he asks for; this doesn‘t mean you‘re nagging him if he asks for a reminder. Tone of voice is KEY. If he wants a reminder and you use a pleasant tone of voice, he will feel respected and will be inspired to follow through.
If he doesn‘t want to meet your request, you can ask if there‘s an alternative way to provide you with what your request would provide. This is collaboration.
Remember that if he says he doesn’t want to do what you ask for, then there’s something about it that doesn’t work for him. Maybe there are other ways that he wants to provide you with support and partnership besides taking out the trash.
3) Appreciate him when he does it!
We all thrive on appreciation, right? If you let him know how good you feel when he does do something for you, he’ll feel good that he got to provide you with positive feelings! This inspires him to give you more of what you want. This is WAY more effective than criticizing him when he doesn’t do it. When you catch him in the act of doing something positive and let him know how good you feel, that will soften his heart, and inspire him to want to do other things that make you feel good.
What do you want your partner to do that he isn’t doing?
How does this process compare to the way you usually ask him?
I’d love to be able to guide you deeper in communicating what your requests provide for you, and sharing your feelings in a way that inspires him to meet your needs.
First I want to help you activate a possibility that you CAN have a satisfying conversation about this where you come up with a solution to feel more supported, rather than arguing about it. Do you feel that?
Try out these steps, and leave a comment below. Here’s the Facebook Live Video: