Have you tried to communicate your feelings, wanting more intimacy and connection, and winding up in an argument? That used to be my experience, until I learned how to process my emotions.
Last week, I was feeling frustrated that my lover doesn’t have as much time for me as he used to. In the past I would have feared he was losing interest, or accused him of not prioritizing me. Then he would have felt criticized and misunderstood. Not a recipe for intimacy…
Let me share with you how I processed through the frustration to get to the beauty underneath, and created more intimacy, passion, and love between us!
So I sat with the feeling of frustration. I breathed deeply, relaxed my body, and put my attention on the sensations, not the thoughts. The frustration was like a churning, warm energized feeling that went from my solar plexus to the top of my head. As I tuned into the feeling, I also saw an image of a shaking fist. The sensation was saying “why does he have to be so busy!” and growling. I also feel a tug at my heartstrings, a sadness and longing to see him more, knowing that he doesn’t have much time.” I placed my hand on my heart and sent myself compassion, knowing that these emotions are so deep because I miss the feeling of love and connection. I open my heart and breathe into the sensations.
But its soooo uncomfortable! Churning, burning, magnetic emptiness, going on inside my torso. Feeling it as sensation. Warm, friction, feeling uncomfortable. I breathe and stay with it.
As I stay with the sensations, something happens. I have an experience of part of me looking down from above, as if it’s the witness part; some eternal part of me that’s watching my life and not being able to FEEL cause “it’s” not in a body, and longing to feel ANYTHING. Feeling those sensations as exquisite, feeling gratitude and awe of the full spectrum of sensation, going from joy to pain, and everything in between. That if I dis-embed from the story of it and just feel those sensations, they’re exquisite. It’s still uncomfortable but I’m able to stay with a sense of awe, like the feeling of looking at a colorful, majestic sunset, and fulfilled by the wonder of taking in all the subtle nuances of the senses. Warm, tingling, pressure…except now there’s a feeling of spaciousness around it. I bask this sea of sensations for a few minutes.
Now there’s enough space for me to ask myself what I want. And I experience a memory of being with him, how deeply I feel touched, inspired, held, and honored. I breathe and fill myself up with the warmth, joy, and pleasure of that memory. I long for that experience more often. I feel the longing as a magnetic pull in my abdomen. Now in that space of longing there’s room for me to communicate the desire to see him in a way that appreciates him, instead of making him wrong. And because I have space around the feeling, I’m not coming from a needy place. I can just express that I appreciate him and I want more, and hear what comes up for him. I shared this with him and we’re finding more time for each other now J
It took me months of practice to be able to process through my emotions and get to the spaciousness of the desire underneath. In my coaching, I help people streamline the learning process so they can experience emotional connection and fulfillment.
I’d love to hear from you! What do you do when you feel frustrated, and how might it be different if you could process through the feeling and communicate the desire underneath?
Alan Gettis says
Loved the article. Very helpful.
Thanks Alan 🙂 Feel free to share what was most helpful, or how it helped you, if its not too private 🙂
Thank you for such a descriptive step by step process. I deal most often with frustration than any other feeling, and how you put words to the feelings is soo helpful to me. I must do this practice more often 😉
Thanks Charlie. It’s feedback like that that keeps me motivated to keep sharing! Let me know how it goes for you 🙂