Entering a relationship, we want to be seen as sure of ourselves, confident, and self-sufficient. We don’t want to seem like we need a man, just that we want one.
In our daily life, we are strong, confident women. We can hold ourselves high, face the rigors of the business and corporate worlds, and be leaders for our families.
So, why is it just so hard to be confident around a man? Why when we get into a relationship, do we turn into this type of woman that just needs too much? Later on, you might wonder, “Does he like me as much as I like him?” “Where is this relationship going?” “Am I good enough for him?”
It’s okay. We can get through this.
I Thought I Was Too Broken For Real Love
“After my last relationship ended, I didn’t know how to connect with another person. There was so much wrong with me. Who could possibly love someone who can’t even figure themselves out?”
Does that sound familiar?
It’s hard and frustrating to look around and see all the happy couples, confident women, and beautiful images in the media and on social networks. You should remember that these media sources only show perfection, a manufactured exterior that portrays everything as perfect.
You know, underneath, many people are experiencing the same frustrations as you are.
We learned relationship skills mostly from our parents. You can ask yourself, “How was the quality of love between my parents?” And it’s not your fault if you didn’t learn the right skills to inspire lasting love, intimacy, and passion. These skills are learnable now.
The first step in all of this is recognizing the patterns and habits that damage your relationships. Chances are what you experience with the person you’re closest to is a magnification of what you’re sharing with everyone. So, I want you to ask yourself what happened in your last relationship (or the one you’re in now)? What did you feel, and what did the other person tell you?
This is hard work. It’s easy to become distracted with work and hobbies to make it seem like it goes away. However, it really only makes the needy parts more evident. Work and hobbies don’t give you the same fulfillment as another person does, and once you’re with another person, that need can come out.
How to Build Real Confidence for Love and Life
Fortunately, once you recognize that there is a reoccurring need, you can learn to give it to yourself. Once you learn the skills of Self-Empathy and emotional healing, you can feel confident. I want to walk through some of the steps to take you there.
- Reprogram Your Limiting Beliefs
Everyone has a core set of beliefs that limits their potential. This could be something like “I’m not good enough,” “I’m not lovable,” or “I’m broken.” There are dozens of these types of beliefs and identifying what comes through your head over and over is a way to identify it. There are many ways of reprogramming these limiting beliefs so you feel more confident.
For starters, you can write down your limiting beliefs and for each one, find evidence to the contrary. How are you beautiful, radiant, and love-able? Turn this evidence into a new belief. Whatever you focus on, you get more of, so I recommend creating a practice to focus on these new beliefs every day until it becomes natural. I give more specific steps in my Commitment Roadmap Book.
- Heal Your Inner Child
The part of us that hurts is like a little child. They just want to be loved, cherished, and supported by you, not just the other person. . You will find your inner child as the part of you that wants to yell and scream, throw things around, or sit and cry. And, that inner child is also the one that experiences sublime joy at the simple pleasures, sighs contently at being held, and loves enthusiastically.
The first step of healing your inner child is to be with that part of you that is feeling the emotion and give her love and empathy. For starters, try this Feelings Meditation.
Now that you know what your limiting beliefs are and you’ve comforted your emotions, it’s time to learn to meet your own emotional needs. Rather than focusing exclusively on your partner to provide you with love and validation, you can seek out validation from your friends and family and even yourself. I have various techniques that will teach you how to give yourself validation and acceptance so you feel more confident around other people.
- Heal Your Inner Critic
Have you ever done something and then said, “I’m so stupid?” Of course, we all have. But, that doesn’t make it helpful. By healing our inner critic, we take that voice that’s criticizing us and heal the hurt. Often times, it’s part of our inner child that just wants to protect us from more pain. Healing the inner critic is about developing a relationship with “her:” Usually the inner critic is scared that we’re not good enough. Once we help “her” reprogram her limiting beliefs and help “her” learn to motivate us in a kind way, she can be our ally. Then, because the other reflects the inner, we’ll naturally attract other people who treat us well because we’re treating ourselves well.
Putting This Into Practice
Getting confidence and having your needs met takes inner work first. Once you go inside and identify your limiting beliefs, heal your inner child, self-soothe your own irritations and heal your inner critic, you can move on to a better mindset. You present yourself to the outer world and show yourself as a confident and secure woman. We’ll be covering some of this in a future post, so hang around a bit to learn.