This blog post was written by my friend and colleague Ilong Yukov. She and I met in NLP training and she is a genius at helping people ease anxiety and feel confident in their own skin. She and I have a similar approach to healing anxious attachment so I’m sure you’re going to benefit from her teachings:
Do you have an anxious attachment style when you are in a relationship?
Do you stay up at night pre-occupying yourself by overanalyzing your relationship with your significant other or a person you recently met? Wondering what he/she is thinking and feeling about you to the point that you drive yourself crazy?
This attachment style can be triggered when the person you are seeing is unavailable when you want him/her to be. A good example of this comes from a clip from the movie “La Dolce Vita” which you could check out here.
In this example of wanting to be with a man who is unavailable at the time you want him to be, I imagine that person is feeling clingy because she needs to feel important, prioritized, and loveable. Think for a moment, if you were that person, how would you want to feel instead? I know I would want to feel confident, in my power and react from that space of empowerment.
Although it might be exaggerated in the movie clip, if you feel you share similar qualities, you are NOT alone. Many women experience anxious attachment, which can lead to looping thoughts, obsessive thoughts and even insomnia. It can push people away and leave you feeling abandoned and/or rejected. This, of course, doesn’t just occur for women. Men deal with this too, but they are often more avoidant.
One technique that I developed that I discuss in my book, The 30-Day High Vibe Challenge: How to Stay Grounded, Centered, and in High Vibration, is called Transcend Resistant Emotions or the TRE method. Here are the steps:
1. Feel in your body – Notice the uncomfortable feeling you want to release. Using the example above, it might be loneliness. I feel lonely.
2. Welcome the energy – Welcome the feeling and notice the qualities. What does the energy feel like? For example: I am feeling tension and constriction in my chest and the energy feels stagnant.
3. Give it permission – Then give this feeling permission to let go. Sometimes, just being with the feeling can be enough for it to release. For example, say inwardly to yourself “It’s ok, I am giving you permission to release this feeling of loneliness.”
4. Resource it – Ask yourself, what resourced state do I need to fully let go of this feeling? In our example, the resourced state for loneliness is generally needing to feel loved and connected. Imagine what feeling loved and connected feels like in your body and bring in that energy from the top of your head down to the bottom of your feet, lingering in the area(s) that gave you discomfort. You can also add other forms of self-soothing/nurturing practices like taking a warm bath, giving yourself a hug, or asking for one from a friend, etc.
In general, it’s important to have tools that address self-regulation, co-regulation (if possible) and quick ways of releasing negative and/or self-sabotaging thoughts that don’t serve you. Self-soothing practices are so important for staying grounded and in your power. I have many years of experience combining different methods to address these issues successfully by using: Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), neuro-linguistic programming (NLP), Focusing (a type of Parts Work), hypnosis and transformational life coaching.
I hold video coaching sessions and am presently offering a special price for the first 10 people who sign up from Valerie’s community: $110 for individual sessions or if you purchase a package of 6 for $550 – that’s a savings of $110 or a free session! You can check out my website: Holistic Wellness NY here.
Warm regards – Ilona