It’s easy to be loving when you feel loved by your partner. But how do you react when you feel that you’re not getting your emotional needs met?
Everyone has different ways of receiving love that light them up, and its only by learning to speak your partner’s unique “love language” that your relationship flourishes with fulfillment and passion. Here’s a story about how one couple learned how to love each other and went from being ticked off to turned on! I’ll call them Bill and Shannon.
Bill was complaining that he was doing everything he could to meet his wife’s needs but she still wasn’t giving him the affection he wanted. He helped out with the housework and the kids, gave her compliments, bought her gifts, and took her out to dinner, but when he tried to touch her she would pull away more often than she would welcome his touch. He told me, “I’m being loving, and she’s not! She doesn’t care about my needs!”
When I talked to Shannon, she felt she was doing everything she could for him, and he wasn’t meeting her needs! She worked, cooked, cleaned, and did her part with the kids and him, and was feeling tired of the same routine! What she really needed was to spend more quality time with him without sexual touch. All they usually did was watch TV or read together. She wanted to go out dancing, go for long walks, take bike rides together, or read to each other/sing to each other like they used to when they were dating, WITHOUT the kids, once a week. She was feeling drained from the kids and needed quality time, just with him.
I guided them in listening to what they both wanted instead of complaining about not getting their needs met. We asked questions like, “What does affection/quality time provide for you? What would it look like, and feel like, if you had that desire fulfilled?”
Their desires touched each other and they were able to create the time to have adventures together again. Then because she was filled up, she was naturally more affectionate.
It’s learning how to ask these deeper questions, and listen for your partner’s deeper desires, that you really learn how to unlock their deeper reservoir of love and passion!
I share some of those questions in this post.
It took some practice, but once they learned how to love each other the way they wanted to be loved, they were both turned on to each other again and the intimacy came back!
So I invite you to ask yourself: how does my partner want to receive love, not how do I want to give them love? How are my partner’s needs different than mine and how can I meet their needs in their way?
I’ve seen it happen that when one partner moves to meet the other’s needs in THEIR PARTICULAR way, eventually they reciprocate and then you can enjoy intimacy and passion again.
Here’s a site that you can visit to find out your unique love language: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/