It’s normal when you develop feelings for a guy to feel anxious about the relationship. You might wonder, “Does he like me as much as I like him?” “Where is this relationship going?” “Am I good enough for him?” All of these thoughts cause you to feel anxious and insecure, and this is a self-fulfilling prophecy that pushes him away. He might not know what’s going on but he can sense that you’re not having a good time and he might think, ironically, that you’re not into him.
Alternatively, you might ask early in the relationship “Where is this going?” Or you might pursue him by calling/texting him often, sending out a “needy” or “pushy” vibe.
How do you calm that voice in your head so you can enjoy the moment and let the connection unfold? Here are 3 strategies:
- Compassionately challenge that voice in your head.
Your inner critic might sound mean, but if you listen more deeply to its feelings, it’s usually scared and has the emotional maturity of a small child. Usually people either try to stuff down that voice or yell back at it. This just causes an inner fight. When we fight with ourselves, who wins?
How would you treat a child who came up to you and said, “I’m not good enough?” You wouldn’t yell at her. You’d pick her up and hold her and say, “Of course you are. What makes you feel that way?” You’d listen to her story and help her re-interpret it from the eyes of a mature adult who sees her strengths and lovability.
Before a date, you can take some time to write down your insecure thoughts and practice talking back to them from a mature, compassionate, and confident perspective.
When you have a limiting belief, you can ask the mature adult part of you:
- Is that belief true?
- How do I feel when I think that thought?
- What are 3 examples of evidence to the contrary?
When we treat all parts of us with kindness and compassion, yet lovingly challenge limiting beliefs, this builds positive self-esteem.
2) Identify the needs underneath the feelings and get those needs met from relationships with friends and family.
We have many ways of avoiding painful feelings. We might eat, watch TV, shop, consume drugs/alcohol, or keep ourselves busy to avoid feeling sadness, fear, anger, jealousy, or shame. We might fear that if we allow ourselves to feel these emotions, we’ll fall into an abyss and never get out.
But feelings are signposts that point to our needs and values and how to get them met in a healthy way.
Imagine you put your hand on a hot stove and you couldn’t feel anything. You might say “Hmmm….something smells like it’s cooking in here!” Because pain is telling us a message.
You might be wondering, what’s the difference between having needs and being “needy?”
Being “needy” is if we’re attached to our needs getting met by HIM RIGHT NOW! We’ve all felt this. We’ve been around people who can’t handle their emotions and demand that we do things for them in a certain way, otherwise they’ll lose it.
True emotional health is when we can identify what our needs are, and we’re able to find many ways of getting them met, not just one. That way we can ask people to meet our needs and not be attached to them saying yes right now. We have trust and creativity for how we can get our needs met in another way.
We all have emotional needs. If we shove down our needs and pretend to be strong instead, we will actually push men away, because men want to be able to do things to make us happy; and if we don’t need anything, he won’t feel successful in doing things that make us happy.
So next time you have an unpleasant feeling, ask yourself, “What do I desire more of?”
Maybe it’s for more attention from him. When you’re just dating a man, it’s usually too early to ask for that from him.
But whatever your needs are, you can express them to people with whom you’re already close. This leads to more secure, emotionally intimate relationships with friends and family, which provides a foundation of security so you can feel more confident when you’re on a date.
I know it’s a little counter-intuitive here. After all, many people want a strong relationship because there’s room for greater fulfilment in their life. We’re looking to invite someone in that can take care of us and we want to take care of them, too.
The reason why many women like you might be stressed out in the dating process is because once you’re out there in the field, you get so close to this becoming a dream come true for you, that it can become all you focus on.
And ironically, this is why we need to go back to the drawing board a bit and expand our inner circle of friends and family to give and receive more emotional support. Of course, get out there and keep dating the man of your dreams at the same time. This just makes it a whole lot easier.
3) Communicate your feelings and desires in an inspiring way.
When we’re insecure, we tend to stuff down our feelings and desires and go with what other people want. We don’t want to rock the boat. But this leads to resentment and then when we do share our feelings, we’re already upset and it puts others on the defensive and leads to conflict.
Secure people express their unique feelings and compelling desires in an inviting way. They trust that others care and there’s a solution that can work for everyone.
For example, if you are feeling lonely and you want to be closer to a particular girl friend, you can say something like, “I’ve been feeling a little out-of-the-loop lately and have been thinking how much I really enjoy connecting with you. I have an idea. Would you be up for talking on the phone once a week?”
And when you’re out on a date with a man and you want him to be more chivalrous, you can say, “You know, I felt so happy when you opened the door for me. I felt so taken care of. That dynamic between a gentleman and a lady is important to me, so I feel especially great when you’re chivalrous.”
So before you go on your next date, remember that a little preparation first–tuning into your emotions, compassionately challenging limiting beliefs, and feeling supported by your expanding inner circle of family and friends–can go a long way. And when you’re out there having fun on your date, try expressing your unique needs, point of view, and compelling desires, so he can feel successful in supporting you.
And if you want more support in attracting lasting love, I offer a free 90-minute Relationship Breakthrough session to anyone who is considering investing in coaching. To apply for a FREE Breakthrough session with me click here.