Do you keep pushing bad behavior under the carpet in your relationship?
Have you gotten the feeling you might be nagging about a couple of things? Have you been told outright you’re nagging?
Maybe you’ve been in a relationship for a while and you’re starting to feel like you’re taking care of your partner like their mother would, picking up after them, taking care of little chores…
It’s ignoring these little things, pushing this kind of bad behavior under the carpet that starts little fights and can be an underlying problem in your relationship.
It’s also one thing you can change quickly by using the right type of language and communicating your needs thoroughly.
Ignoring Bad Behavior Leads To More
Imagine, after your partner has a snack, they set their bowl or plates off to the side. Maybe they have the full intention of picking it up later, but they just forget.
But it’s irritating you… so, you go pick it up and take it out yourself.
Maybe he or she remembers the bowl a little bit later, only to find it done already. Maybe they don’t remember at all.
A couple of nights later, it happens again… and then again…
Now, you have an established pattern of bad behavior with them leaving stuff out for you to take care of. You basically taught your partner or spouse that you’ll pick up after them.
At first, it might not be an issue. But then the resentment will build. Why should you be the one picking up everything? You may finally snap and tell them to start picking up their own stuff.
Now comes their resentment. You have been doing this all along, so what’s the big deal? If you didn’t like it, why did you do it? Why didn’t you just say something in the beginning?
And the cycle will continue until one partner changes or gives up…
Ask For What You Want – This Method Reaches His Soul
If you need something from your partner, you really have to reach out and touch them in a way that makes it personal. It has to be something that rewards them as much as it rewards you.
Because so many women read my blog, a lot of this is focused on women asking their men for things. But, the same thing works for men asking their women for things, too. One person needs something and they reach out to their partner to get it.
Everyone needs deep appreciation and connection to get what they want from their partner and loved ones.
First things first, when you ask for something, keep it simple. Focus only on the task at hand and don’t bring any other example or issue you might be facing. Masculine-energy people focus on one topic at a time, so don’t complicate it – stick to one issue.
Ask your partner if it’s a good time to talk about something that has been on your mind. If that moment is a good moment, great! If not, schedule a time.
Now here’s the crucial thing: talk about what you need, not their behavior.
If he’s leaving his snack bowl on the table, that’s only one example that points to your need for order or mutuality. Maybe you need a clean household to feel focused and not distracted. (Then the need is to focus). Maybe you need all of the dishes together, so they’re cleaned efficiently. (Then the need is efficiency). Maybe you’re worried about bugs or vermin. (Then the need is safety). Maybe you want mutuality in household chores so you feel balanced.
A need is an experience you want to have, not just a behavior. If you communicate the experience you want to have and why that’s important to you, it’ll create into-me-see (intimacy), which is what inspires your partner.
And remember to avoid blame. Be very simple in your description of the behavior that triggered your need. State it factually and simply. “Honey, I’ve been picking up bowls on the table recently.”
Now, ask for what your need is. If you want your household clean and orderly, tell your partner that. “For me, having a clean and orderly house brings me peace and reduces my irritation. And if we’re each doing our part, then I feel supported and connected to you.“
Your partner now has something they can do for you. They can want to bring you peace, reduce irritation, and help you feel supported and connected.
Here is the hard part – It’s best to make a request or ask them what they think about it; not to tell them what to do. Ask for their help; let them choose what action they’ll take. For example, “What do you think it would take for us to both pick up after ourselves?”
Many men, and some women, have primarily masculine energy. They want to figure out a problem and create solutions. This is the energy you’re tapping into. Let them feel the control and success of being able to solve the problem with you instead of being told what to do.
You can discuss with them ways of completing the task and ways of helping them remember what they promised.
Finally, here’s the most important part: notice that the task gets done. The next time they have a snack and they take it out promptly like you discussed, thank them for remembering and taking care of you. That reward tells them they satisfied your need. It will make them feel good and want to make you feel even better.
Here’s another example:
“Honey, when the trash gets full, I feel irritated because it’s smelly and looks gross. It’s very distracting to me knowing a full can is sitting there. Would you be willing to ease my worry over the trash by taking it out more often? What do you think?”
This will allow them to discover how they want to take it out more often and please you.
We want you to remember that we’re dealing with people, sometimes people that may be quite irritated at us. You may need to make these requests a few times to truly get what you need.
But, when they learn to respond to your requests in this way makes you feel good, and it makes them feel good, it will encourage them to listen to you more. You both can get what you want out of the relationship: a respectful and responsive partner who cares about your needs.
I’d love to hear your feedback. How does it go when you ask for what you need in this way? Feel free to post in the comments. And if you’d like more support, I invite you to apply for a Free Back To Love Breakthrough Session to help you get your needs met and live happily together.