Blog | Page 3 | Relationship Coach Valerie Greene

How To Heal From Emotional Triggers And Wounds So You Can Finally Have The Love You Want

We all have triggers. Sometimes I feel upset when I’m being misunderstood, for example. And because I’ve done a lot of healing, I can (usually 😉 respond instead of reacting. I can feel curious and compassionate instead of taking it personally and make requests/boundaries that honor myself and others to create more closeness and love.

Healing = wholeness and access to all of our wisdom and resourcefulness.

What gets us into trouble in relationships is when we get triggered, we react and push the other person away or start an argument. We want to be able to say our feelings and desires but instead we blow up or withdraw. It happens so quickly; it’s like the words slip out of our mouth almost in slow motion, like we’re possessed.

There are specific strategies that you can use to heal triggers so you have access to love, wisdom, and resourcefulness instead of going into fight or flight. Our habits are changeable and it’s possible to feel compassion and curiosity instead. Or if we are triggered, we can act in a way that draws our partner closer so we can transform triggers into deeper connection.

Helena Hart recently interviewed me about how to heal from emotional triggers and wounds so you can finally have the love you want.

I share many tools in this video:

I’d love for you to watch and leave a comment or question. We love hearing from you!

Warmly,
Valerie

Pushing Bad Behavior Under The Carpet

Do you keep pushing bad behavior under the carpet in your relationship?

Have you gotten the feeling you might be nagging about a couple of things? Have you been told outright you’re nagging?

Maybe you’ve been in a relationship for a while and you’re starting to feel like you’re taking care of your partner like their mother would, picking up after them, taking care of little chores…

It’s ignoring these little things, pushing this kind of bad behavior under the carpet that starts little fights and can be an underlying problem in your relationship.

It’s also one thing you can change quickly by using the right type of language and communicating your needs thoroughly.

Ignoring Bad Behavior Leads To More

Imagine, after your partner has a snack, they set their bowl or plates off to the side. Maybe they have the full intention of picking it up later, but they just forget.

But it’s irritating you… so, you go pick it up and take it out yourself.

Maybe he or she remembers the bowl a little bit later, only to find it done already. Maybe they don’t remember at all.

A couple of nights later, it happens again… and then again…

Now, you have an established pattern of bad behavior with them leaving stuff out for you to take care of. You basically taught your partner or spouse that you’ll pick up after them.

At first, it might not be an issue. But then the resentment will build. Why should you be the one picking up everything? You may finally snap and tell them to start picking up their own stuff.

Now comes their resentment. You have been doing this all along, so what’s the big deal? If you didn’t like it, why did you do it? Why didn’t you just say something in the beginning?

And the cycle will continue until one partner changes or gives up…

Ask For What You Want – This Method Reaches His Soul

If you need something from your partner, you really have to reach out and touch them in a way that makes it personal. It has to be something that rewards them as much as it rewards you.

Because so many women read my blog, a lot of this is focused on women asking their men for things. But, the same thing works for men asking their women for things, too. One person needs something and they reach out to their partner to get it.

Everyone needs deep appreciation and connection to get what they want from their partner and loved ones.

First things first, when you ask for something, keep it simple. Focus only on the task at hand and don’t bring any other example or issue you might be facing. Masculine-energy people focus on one topic at a time, so don’t complicate it – stick to one issue.

Ask your partner if it’s a good time to talk about something that has been on your mind. If that moment is a good moment, great! If not, schedule a time.

Now here’s the crucial thing: talk about what you need, not their behavior.

If he’s leaving his snack bowl on the table, that’s only one example that points to your need for order or mutuality. Maybe you need a clean household to feel focused and not distracted. (Then the need is to focus). Maybe you need all of the dishes together, so they’re cleaned efficiently. (Then the need is efficiency). Maybe you’re worried about bugs or vermin. (Then the need is safety). Maybe you want mutuality in household chores so you feel balanced.

A need is an experience you want to have, not just a behavior. If you communicate the experience you want to have and why that’s important to you, it’ll create into-me-see (intimacy), which is what inspires your partner.

And remember to avoid blame. Be very simple in your description of the behavior that triggered your need. State it factually and simply. “Honey, I’ve been picking up bowls on the table recently.”

Now, ask for what your need is. If you want your household clean and orderly, tell your partner that. “For me, having a clean and orderly house brings me peace and reduces my irritation. And if we’re each doing our part, then I feel supported and connected to you.“

Your partner now has something they can do for you. They can want to bring you peace, reduce irritation, and help you feel supported and connected.

Here is the hard part – It’s best to make a request or ask them what they think about it; not to tell them what to do. Ask for their help; let them choose what action they’ll take. For example, “What do you think it would take for us to both pick up after ourselves?”

Many men, and some women, have primarily masculine energy. They want to figure out a problem and create solutions. This is the energy you’re tapping into. Let them feel the control and success of being able to solve the problem with you instead of being told what to do.

You can discuss with them ways of completing the task and ways of helping them remember what they promised.

Finally, here’s the most important part: notice that the task gets done. The next time they have a snack and they take it out promptly like you discussed, thank them for remembering and taking care of you. That reward tells them they satisfied your need. It will make them feel good and want to make you feel even better.

Here’s another example:

“Honey, when the trash gets full, I feel irritated because it’s smelly and looks gross. It’s very distracting to me knowing a full can is sitting there. Would you be willing to ease my worry over the trash by taking it out more often? What do you think?”

This will allow them to discover how they want to take it out more often and please you.

We want you to remember that we’re dealing with people, sometimes people that may be quite irritated at us. You may need to make these requests a few times to truly get what you need.

But, when they learn to respond to your requests in this way makes you feel good, and it makes them feel good, it will encourage them to listen to you more. You both can get what you want out of the relationship: a respectful and responsive partner who cares about your needs.

I’d love to hear your feedback. How does it go when you ask for what you need in this way? Feel free to post in the comments. And if you’d like more support, I invite you to apply for a Free Back To Love Breakthrough Session to help you get your needs met and live happily together.

How To Inspire Your Partner To Meet Your Needs If They Have An Avoidant Attachment Style

I hear from so many of my clients who are in a relationship with an avoidant attachment partner: should I stay or leave? Is he incapable of meeting my needs and can he change?

He can change, but you have to understand where he’s at first. His main needs are different than yours and you have to see his needs and where he’s coming from in order to model for him the validity of even having needs; that it’s safe to connect with you. This takes time and patience and it is totally possible.

Many of the books on attachment are geared towards helping you see who is an avoidant so you can avoid getting into a relationship with that kind of person. But you can’t control who you fall in love with. Sometimes avoidants do heavily pursue you in the beginning and you only see their true colors after 6 months when the infatuation wears off…but by then you’re hooked. In that case, I do recommend that you use the relationship to evolve and grow.

I’ve helped many women and couples with avoidant attachment feel emotionally connected again. The secret to helping avoidants evolve into a more secure style is to teach secure functioning by example. You have to evolve your own attachment style and then model secure attachment for them.

Helena Hart recently interviewed me about how to inspire a man with an avoidant attachment style to meet your needs.

In this video, you’ll learn:

-What does it mean for a man to have an avoidant attachment style?

-How do you recognize the “distancing strategies” they use and how do you respond to them to inspire more closeness

-5 Specific strategies to inspire an avoidant man to meet your needs so you can be happy together

You can watch the video here:

I’d love to hear your comments to this video! Let me know how it helped you and what questions you still have.

With Love,
Valerie

Building Love – How To Support/Attract Positive Qualities In Yourself & Your Mate

Do you keep attracting the same type of partner again and again with a different body? Or do you notice that you’re falling out of love with the person you’re with?

One principle I’d like to introduce you to is: what you appreciate appreciates. If you focus on the “negative” qualities, you’ll get more of those. Why is that? Because our brain is designed to find what we’re looking for.

Have you ever had something on your mind (I want new red shoes) and then everywhere you look, you see red shoes? Because your brain is primed to see them.

Every time we start looking for the good, positive qualities in a person, we can find them. The same thing is true when we look for the bad qualities – we’ll find them just as much.

If you’re single and you keep attracting the same partner again and again, you’re probably following chemistry and not stopping to ask your rational mind: does he have my top must-have qualities? (things like emotional availability, not just how they look)

Identifying positive qualities in the people you know will help to draw them out. And identifying whether a potential partner has these qualities will help you to say “no” to a partner who doesn’t possess these qualities before you fall for them.

That’s why we focus on looking for the good ones. When we open ourselves up to receiving what’s good in our partners and the world, to seek out the positive qualities, that’s what we’re going to get more of.

To discover what we want, it can help us discover first what we don’t want. And to do that, let’s take an example of feeling someone rushing us.

If we have a terrible experience with someone who constantly rushed us, we’re going to want somebody who takes their time. The positive quality is patience.

We will never be happy with somebody who continuously rushes us if one of our needs is patience.

What Are Positive Qualities

Identifying positive qualities can be a little bit more challenging than you might think.

First, let’s take a look at the “Nots.” Framing something negatively does not equal a positive quality, and we’re looking for positive qualities.

Let’s look at the example of not rushing. If you’re looking for somebody not rushing, you’re going to see people who rush first. Only after will you see the people not rushing. You have to find someone doing it before you can negate it.

But if you flip that around to people who take their time or have patience, you will certainly find those people first.

Secondly, there’s a big difference between qualities and skills. Quality is something you possess internally that dictates your behavior. What you do is the behavior.

In our example, it looks identical for people to take their time and have patience. But people who take their time may have a rushed mindset and are deliberately taking action against it. People who have the quality of patience can wait without the internal struggle.

You can check out a list of qualities here.

What Positive Qualities Do You Want In A Partner?

Sometimes, it’s easier looking outside yourself for what you want rather than looking inside, so we’re going to start with what kind of qualities you want in a partner. Go ahead and write down your ideas for everything you want to see, feel, and experience from your partner.

Make this list as long as you want, identifying every single little thing you can think of. It’s okay at this point if it’s positive or negative, an action or equality. We’re going to refine it in a bit.

When you are done, look at your list. Go back through and find all of your “Nots.” Take a look at them and flip them to the positive side. Did you mention something like ‘not rude’? Flip that to ‘polite.’ Doesn’t interrupt? Waits for me to speak. Do you get the idea?

Now take a look at your list again for actions. This might be a little bit more challenging. Take a look at the list above and start matching up the habits and actions with the quality it represents. It might take you a little bit of time to do it, but it will be worth it.

Once you finish those steps, put your list away for the night. This gives your mind a little bit of time to think about what you just put together and the next day, pull it back out. You’re taking this time to really reflect and let your subconscious figure out what you truly want.

If you’re in a relationship, then ask yourself: how can I appreciate my partner when they demonstrate these qualities? Remember, what you appreciate appreciates. If you look for these qualities, you’ll find them and draw them out of the other person.

If you’re single, then I’d like you to go through that list and choose the top five qualities that you must have in a partner. These are non-negotiable qualities, that if a person does not have these particular qualities, you’re not going to waste your time thinking of them as an active romantic partner. They can be a good friend, but they won’t fulfill you as a partner.

You can also take some time and look at what’s negotiable. Are there traits that you would like to see but really aren’t that important? Mark those down, too.

Then when you’re dating and you start to get swept up in chemistry, you can ask yourself, “Does he have these qualities?” If not, then the longer you stay in this relationship, the more unfulfilled you’ll be. If you end a budding relationship with someone who isn’t right for you now, then you’ll open up your time to meet someone who is right for you.

Identifying Your Own Positive Qualities

This can be incredibly hard because most of us have difficulty being kind to ourselves.

I still recommend you go to the steps above and identify your qualities. And, also ask your family and friends if they would do the same thing for you. They might give you an extensive list of “Nots” and actions, but you already have practice translating those into good qualities.

If you get a couple of people to do this for you, you’ll start to notice a pattern.

The big question is if that is a pattern you like? What qualities do you have that you are proud of? What qualities do you have that you’re not proud of? What ones do you wish were on the list?

For example, some of the men I work with identify their qualities as industrious and straightforward. However, many of the same actions they see as positive get experienced by other people as demanding and belittling.

Having somebody view your actions from the outside can give you a lot of insight.

As you move forward through your journey, you might need some help. This is where I can help you identify your qualities and especially what you want in a partner. I recommend applying for a Free Breakthrough Session, and we can sit down and co-create your vision and plan to attract and sustain lasting love.

Powerful Meditation To Soothe Anxious Feelings

I’m hearing from a lot of my clients that they feel anxious lately, either about relationships or about current events.

When we take action from a place of fear, it creates more fear. When we take inspired action from a place of authentic self-love, we can create a better world for everyone.

You can use this time as an opportunity for growth, whether you have an anxious attachment style or you’re feeling uncertain in ANY area of your life.

Helena Hart recently interviewed me and I share a meditation to soothe anxious attachment or general panic. I combine several modalities to help you heal old subconscious patterns, radiate self-love and become magnetically attractive to what (or whom) you want.

You can watch the video here:

With Love,
Valerie