What do you do when you’re upset to keep your calm and respond consciously instead of reacting? Watch this video to find out, and leave your comments to share how it works for you!
Why New Year’s Resolutions Don’t Work and What to Do Instead
It’s that time of year again. Studies show that 50% of people make New Year’s resolutions and as low as 8% of them actually stick to them by February.
We might think we’re weak-willed, and feel resigned that we just can’t change. Or maybe we beat ourselves up and feel worse, only to go through the same process next year.
What if there is a way to change without forcing or fixing?
What if there’s nothing wrong with you, but instead the way our culture does resolutions doesn’t work?
For every conscious change we want to make, there are unconscious commitments to keep things exactly the way they are. There are things we’re getting from our current behaviors, like ease, comfort, and security, that we need to find new ways of getting, in order to make change stick.
Melody and I believe that every behavior has a positive motivation, even though the behavior we use may not be good for us. Forcing/fixing doesn’t work because we are cutting off that part of us and then we feel fragmented; the proverbial baby/bathwater thing.
The behavior is there to meet a vital need or uphold an important value of ours.
This is good because once we figure out what that need or value is, we can be grateful for getting that need met; and discover a new, beneficial way of meeting that need.
For example, I had a client who had worked at the same dead-end job for years, and kept resolving to advance his career. But he had a strong inner critic, and whenever he looked for a new job, he would self-sabotage.
His inner critic would tell him things like, “You’ll never succeed; you don’t have it in you!”
When I told him his inner critic wanted something good for him, he said, “What do you mean? That’s my inner critic! It just wants to see me fail!”
When I guided him to hear what it really wanted for him, such as safety, comfort, acceptance, and belonging, his whole attitude shifted. Over time, as he learned to hear the deeper message of that voice, it stopped talking so harshly. It told him he needed to create more ways to feel safety, comfort, and acceptance, and let go of some outdated ways of thinking.
With more ease, he started practicing more self-care like meditation and exercise, and having more emotionally nourishing conversations with his wife. Then he felt grounded enough to pursue new career options, not to mention having more energy and a better relationship.
If he had kept pushing that voice away, he never would have found new ways to get those needs met in a fulfilling way.
So how do we set New Year’s intentions, get past self-judgment and hear the deeper message and needs/values of those parts and behaviors that we don’t like?
The following steps are a good starting point:
1) Create an intention you want to accomplish in 2014. Flesh out what that would look/feel like. Really feel into how that would affect your life.
2) Notice if any self-judgment or reasons why you won’t succeed come up from your inner critic. Ask that part of you what need/value it serves, and let it answer you. You can look at this list of needs/values for guidance. For example, if you’re a perfectionist, that part of you might value effectiveness, beauty, competence, self-respect, or acceptance, to name a few.
3) Look at that need through a lens of appreciation for these needs/values. Why are these needs/values important to you? What do they mean to you? How is life more fulfilling when they’re met? This shifts the emotion and moves us into a more creative state. Notice how that need IS getting met in your life and feel grateful for the ways you ARE experiencing it being fulfilled.
4) Look at the cost of the current method or behavior that meets that need/value. This is a non-judgmental assessment. When we’re really in touch with the pain of our current actions, there’s more motivation to find new behaviors to meet those needs. We’re creatures of habit, and creating new habits takes time and motivation, but beating ourselves up is not necessary.
5) Ask that part of you, how ELSE can I get those needs/values met in a harmonious way? You can find new behaviors, beliefs, attitudes, and support systems. Visualizing yourself doing those new behaviors makes them more likely to stick, as does finding people to support you.
6) From this place of listening to all parts of you, create a new intention that fulfills all the needs that you discovered.
Wash, rinse, repeat!
Every time you find yourself having a thought or behavior that you don’t like, you can go through this process. You can feel grateful that it’s leading you to greater self-awareness of your needs/values, with the potential to make your life more fulfilling by getting them met in new ways!
Please try out steps and let me know your experience in the comments!
4 Steps to find the “Positive” Message Underneath “Negative” Emotions
“We have thoughts, feelings and emotions, but we are not our thoughts, feelings or emotions.”
Frances Vaughn
I’ve been on a personal growth path since 2001, but nothing prepared me for the emotions I felt as my marriage was falling apart. There would be days where we’d wake up and start fighting right from the get go, and this would color the rest of the day. You know that feeling when you’ve just had a fight with your significant other and it feels like a sinking weight in your stomach that you carry around with you all day?
I felt so many emotions: anger, guilt, sadness, fear, shame, you name it. I knew that I loved him underneath, but sometimes I couldn’t feel it. So I created time to process my emotions every day. I meditated and practiced many different techniques, until I synergized a technique that worked for me, to feel into the “positive” message underneath “negative” emotions. Then I started showing up with more love and understanding, and both of us worked through our differences in a loving way.
What do I mean by “positive” message? Well I discovered that even the worst of my emotions, like resentment, lead to love underneath, when I processed it through my body with a specific awareness. I learned on a deeper level what my needs and values were, like support, personal growth, and empathy, and learned specifically what I needed in my life to feel fulfilled. I learned how to communicate in a vulnerable way, both to myself and to him, so that we felt emotionally connected and loving, instead of fighting. We’re now the best of friends; we’re more emotionally connected, and give each other more emotional support now than we ever did.
Let’s take a closer look at some emotions that most people think of as “negative”, and see what they are perhaps trying to tell you.
Fear can be a means of self-protection/preservation, and also, a way to find out what you love. When you’re scared, look at what you fear losing, and you’ll learn about what you value, as well as what you’re attached to.
Anger is derived from love of self or others. When you’re angry, it’s because someone or something you love or value is threatened.
Sadness and grief help you remember your vulnerability in this world. They also teach you about what’s important to you, and help you learn more about how to appreciate what you love.
Here’s an exercise to find the positive message underneath:
If you notice that you’re starting to get upset, take a time-out and do this practice.
1) Identify your feelings. If you’re feeling angry or annoyed, ask yourself if there’s something you’re hurt by, scared of, sad about, or longing for underneath the anger. Those are the vulnerable emotions we want to hold in compassionate awareness.
2) Feel the sensation of the emotion in your body, staying grounded. Breathe deeply, in and out of your heart center, and feel the support underneath you. And with interested curiosity, locate the sensation of that emotion in your body. Do you feel this sensation in your chest? In your belly? Somewhere else? Is it warm/cold? Expansive/contracted? Tense or maybe heavy? Notice the sensation of it. And if your mind starts to wander toward what your partner did, just bring it back to the sensation in your body and your deep breaths.
3) Give this feeling compassion and soothing. You can place a hand over this place if that feels right Turn towards this sensation and say something like, “I know this is hard for you. It’s ok to feel this way. I care about you.” And keep breathing into your heart. If it’s hard to feel compassion, imagine that you’re sitting with a close friend or a small child who’s feeling this emotion, and start out by feeling compassion and caring for them, for what they’re going through. First send it to them and imagine them feeling soothed by your presence, and then take that same compassion and send it to your OWN feelings. Breathe in compassion and exhale out all of the tension from your body; release it out with the outbreath; relax into how you’re feeling. Ask yourself the question, “What does it mean for me to open my heart to the way I’m feeling and have compassion for myself? MAYBE I can also feel compassion for other people in the world who are having this same feeling? If it feels right, you can breathe in compassion for your own pain, and breathe out compassion for all other people in the world who are feeling pain. Take a few deep breaths like this.
4) After a few minutes, identify the needs underneath the feelings. Here is a list of needs. And notice if you can feel this same compassion for the need or value. Then ask yourself questions like the ones below.
Questions for Transforming the Emotion
You can ask these questions to yourself first, and then to your partner about their needs, to connect on a deeper level and experience intimacy and understanding.
- What does this need/value mean to you? What is important about that? Is there a deeper purpose or goal underneath this need?
- What does it look like or feel like when you have this need met? Take a moment to visualize or feel the last time you got this need met, and really take that in…….….Knowing that there are many ways to get that need met, maybe not just the way you think?
- What are your core beliefs or ethics behind your point of view?
- Is there a story behind this for you, or does this relate to your history in some way?
- Is there a fear that comes up for you, in not having this need/value honored?
- What other ways can you get this need met?
- What would be your ideal solution here?
Try these steps and tell me about your experience in the comments below!